They focus on work, are happy to be single and prefer to devote themselves to their passions over having a stable relationship. A survey by London-based market analysis agency Mintel shows that 61% of single women are satisfied with their status and that 75% of singles have not done their best to seek a relationship in the last year (compared to 65% of men single). A particularly strong trend in those over 45: 32% of single women between 45 and 65 have said they are very happy on their own , the same is true for 19% of men belonging to the same age group . We examined the question together with the systemic-relational psychotherapist Elisabetta Todaro.
It is a recent phenomenon to consider oneself and be happily considered single. When did you go back?
"I believe it is necessary to consider a relatively recent phenomenon, that of assertivenessfemale. Women are increasingly having the opportunity to establish themselves both on a work and emotional level. Surely this is the result of a socio-cultural change that has begun for years and it is women who are in culturally stimulating contexts that are most affected. These women develop more their emancipatory abilities and stand apart from the female stereotype that would like the woman more connected to the domestic-family context. The difference, compared to not too long ago, is that these women have the opportunity to make a choice and distance themselves from the stereotype ".
Especially thanks to the context in which she finds herself, the woman is no longer limited to the realization of a family project as the maximum aspiration.
"Exactly. In the past the woman saw in the realization of a family project and in the fact of being accompanied to a partner the possibility of social recognition. Just think of the vocabulary used: the woman who married was defined as" lady ", the one who made the children "Mother of a family." The woman who did not make these choices was called a "spinster" and was given a different value. Today, if a woman decides to go with a partner (man or woman), she does so to have experiences, to share a part of life and the respective passions with this person ".
So, do single women certainly feel less judged than before?
"It is necessary to differentiate according to the context. Certainly there are many more women who make their affectivity a testing ground. However, there are still women who remain anchored to some values ??that, in some contexts, are much closer to the stereotype. Who he chooses to remain single no longer feels judged when he believes in his choice. If women are surrounded by women who affirm themselves at work, who study, who develop skills, surely they are more stimulated to go in that direction. If in the family to which women belong they have always affirmed themselves in being wives and mothers it is clear that they will tend to replicate that model quite automatically. To make the difference on the choice of one's own path, in this case, the context intervenes, for example the fact of going to study in another city or of having different work experiences compared to those made by the family. In this case the element of novelty can be accepted. "
So for many women the presence of a companion is no longer tied to a need, but to a choice?
"In the course of their lives, women are much more likely to reflect on themselves and get to know each other better. Over time, men and women react differently to changes. Women, even those who have joined a more traditional stereotype, they are able to focus on what things they like and which they don't, what their needs and priorities are. In this man is less stimulated, also because he is less subject to reflect on himself precisely because of his nature ".
What does it specifically refer to?
"I refer to the fact that the woman faces the complexity of pubertal development with the presence of the monthly cycle and hormonal changes and mood. She is subject to reflect more and more about herself because it varies more throughout her life. Then comes the stage of the potential choice of motherhood, that of the menopause.The woman has more opportunities to reflect on her identity, from the biological point of view. The man is not solicited by nature to the same reflections. Without counting the social stereotypes ".
"The woman has more opportunities to reflect on her identity, from a biological point of view"
Does a man in his fifties hear more about missing a woman?
"In the social stereotype, man is less inclined to question himself, he is self-sufficient, powerful and performing. Women, on the other hand, are often regarded as doubtful, insecure, to be protected and protected. The woman questions herself over the course of her life on what he wants. The man very often resolves his evolutionary change by looking for a companion ".
The woman however, unlike the man, begins to have less desire to "settle" to fill her shortcomings.
"Exactly. Reflecting, the woman understands that she is able to feel self-sufficient and uses this in her favor, she is no longer willing to use it in the service of someone who does not fully satisfy it. Man often sees the solution to his deficiencies in a couple's choice (editor's note not just a woman to not only include heterosexuals in this analysis) ".
So why would single over 45 be "happy"?
"The therapist David Schnarch says that true sexual pleasure begins at age 50. This is because at that age no one haunts you about having children anymore, you don't worry about getting a home loan, working life is almost started ( even if today the living conditions are more precarious. "At this age we think of ourselves in a positive light, we are less stressed by a series of life obligations. So probably women in that age group, knowing each other more , they invest time on themselves: from tango lessons to writing poetry, from aperitifs to keeping fit, all activities that gratify them ".
And the men?
"It is often the companions who stimulate men to take care of themselves outside of work, to go out, to have interests, to grow culturally. During their lives men are more likely to find gratification in working life and they are the ones who suffer more than retirement ".
Could this fact that the woman often prefer to be alone also have negative consequences?
"I believe we can only speak of positive consequences with regard to freedom of choice. If a woman can see herself in a positive perspective and want to maintain a life without a stable companion even at a mature age, and if this gratifies her, it can only be a positive consequence ".
What about women in their 30s and 40s?
"There it is different, because you are still looking for the right center of gravity of your desires, you are questioning your expectations. A mature woman is a woman able to digest the fact of not adhering to a social expectation. Probably the challenge that society should grasp is to give space to these further forms of choice, to recognize and enhance the status of single.For example, if you book a trip the room for one person often does not exist, it is a double for single use that economically does not agrees, even when shopping is not always proposals for one person, get a mortgage for one person is almost impossible.
It is a bit like a mirror of the current situation ...
"The expectation of society is linked to couples, they are more facilitated and valued. But if society takes into consideration the fact that being single is not a temporary situation but can be a choice, maybe things would be better Who chooses not to adhere to the models proposed, and this also applies to men, if he does not have great economic resources he is "forced" to take counterevolutionary steps, perhaps living at 40 with roommates (although in this case it may be also of a life choice) or living at home with their parents ".
Are you telling us that the woman is ready to choose different paths from those focused on the home and on the family, and that society is not ready?
"Exactly. This also emerges from the films. For example, in" The Devil Wears Prada "the protagonist is a woman affirmed from a working point of view but has difficulty on a sentimental level, the same goes for" The unexpected intern ", there too the the protagonist has a fabulous career and fails on a sentimental level.The message that passes is that career and work cannot be reconciled: if the woman wants to work and have a family she must remain on a non-competitive level to carry out both things; in which he pursues his career fails on a sentimental level. But, in reality, it is not taken for granted ".
What is your advice for women who are happy to be single?
"Trust what you hear and try to put a little insulator in your ears if you feel that the outside is at odds with your inner voice."
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