In the summer of 2009, just before turning 33, I found myself struggling with a divorce - which made me feel ashamed, which made me feel abnormal, lost and, to be honest, more like a total nullity.
I am a nurse, my job is to serve and help others. Unfortunately, a faulty version of the "taking care of others" program must have been installed inside me, which according to the analyst's words made me a perfect "co-employee" in relationships. You see, my marriage was toxic to say the least and I was drowning in its poison. I didn't know what else to do apart from begging for the love and confirmations that I wanted to try without success.
And even after the divorce, I had no idea how much I had come to that. I felt stuck at point A, as I struggled to get to point B.
While I was trying to start over, it was difficult for me not to be obsessed by the messages of the company or the environments I attended when I "should" have found myself. My expectations had been influenced by the paths taken by parents, sister and married friends.
I had some ideas on how to make a family's dream come true, and I thought I needed to speed up the time given the impending age of an "advanced age" for motherhood. So I decided to take control of the situation: I tried to get to know other men while I cultivated my hobbies, at work, during solo trips to the bar, with online dating or through my friends - all in vain. There were fantastic moments full of laughter and flirtation, but almost all the appointments turned out to be painful and I didn't even see a glimmer of harmony.
From my unsuccessful adventures with appointments, I realized that life did not wait for me to stop adapting to the norm. I realized that it was not necessary to find "the right one" to open the doors of my happiness. Once I understood this, I embarked on the journey to discover the true power, my true peace.
I learned to take care of myself and I took the time to put the things I like first. I love taking care of myself by eating healthy and doing sport, and I have also discovered a love for spiritual practices such as tarot reading, meditation and contact with nature. These are things that allow me to listen to my instincts, and to trust him. I stopped begging and began to savor that inner bliss that comes from the exploration of self and the sense of legitimacy of a confident, independent woman.
Now I am a full-fledged innovator, with a new sense of freedom, self-expression and resilience. I broke my own mental barriers and the fear of being alone. Today, I am proud to walk tall as a liberated woman and travel around the world on my own, with confidence. I can lift an arm to stop a taxi and be proud of the fact that I can get to where I want by myself. I have seven colorful passport stamps - tangible signs of my success - that don't even account for all the places I've lived and visited in the United States.
My path of love for myself eventually included the conscious choice of not having children, but I am happy knowing that I can be a kind of mother to my patients. I still have to clean the bottom and dry blood, sweat and tears after a trauma. Then I come home to recharge.
Don't get me wrong: at certain times - holidays, birthdays, even Valentine's Day - the difficulties of solitude are felt. But who said that you can't have romance and fun even as a single person? I still enjoy my exuberant company and I love trying new things. I give myself fresh flowers every week and give myself long baths by candlelight because I deserve it.
The house I created is mine alone, I enjoy the freedom of knowing that I am not hostage to the fear of loneliness.
My healing process has been a long one - about nine years - but I am getting closer to point B. I live in harmony with myself, I am that partner I have been looking for so long. I live with energy and determination as a healthy and satisfied single person, as a complete person.
I am still open to the idea of ??finding a fascinating and amusing companion with whom to share my days, but it will have to be an equal partner that gives something more to my life, without taking anything away from you. It is the mathematics of relationships. Being together means understanding the absolute value of our importance.
The best part is that I'm actually not alone. Relatives and friends, both married and single, stood by me and rooted for me when I took the reins of love for myself, of my happiness. They are my community, they admire my strength and remind me that getting married and having children is just one of the possible paths - a different path and not necessarily better.
I'm excited about what the future holds for me. Regardless of the outcome, I know that being happy does not mean organizing my life around another person; it means putting the wonderful relationship I have with myself first. I am grateful that the journey that started with my divorce taught me all this, and I am thrilled to still be single at the age of 42.
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